The G.I. Joe Movie I Want to See

 

Reality is as crazy as G.I. Joe these days.

Now that there's talk of a G.I. Joe movie again, I can at least fantasize about the movie I'd like to see. It all came to me when I looked at the Q-Shaman and thought he somewhat resembled Zartan. And yes, it's a bit of a remake of Retaliation -- but by gosh, it's scary that reality is now almost as weird as peak '80s Joe.

Basically: Cobra is QAnon, recruiting disaffected young men online. But rather than backing Trump, it has the back of a presidential candidate nicknamed "The Baroness," who's basically Lauren Boebert, but pretending to be dumber than she is. Zartan is Q-Shaman, and the Dreadnoks are the Proud Boys. Cobra Commander operates in the shadows, and plans to usurp power from the Baroness when she wins the election thanks to some heavy gerrymandering, rigging, and PR -- he's Bannon minus the alcoholism. Destro operates overseas, forging alliances with the Putins and Orbans of this world. Dr. Mindbender is a podcaster, a mashup of Joe Rogan and Alex Jones who actrually knows hypnosis well.

G.I. Joe literally is the Deep State, a hardcore team of patriots secretly inside the military, free from its fascistic control and encroaching mindset. Portrayed as an enemy of the people when unmasked by Q/Cobra, they must fight to prove that they actually are... the REAL American heroes. It would end with the movie Joe "eagle" logo replaced, at goddamn last, by the red white and blue '80s RAH logo.